The Bitching Point
Today I went to Target. But that is not the point of this post (despite your NEED for me to tell you about the great bargain on shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese I found. Never mind that I got lavender hand wash refills, SCORE!).
As usual, I went to the books section to see if there was anything that was “Bookmarked” and therefore within my miniscule budget. And was hit with a pang of envy* so great I felt ill. Because my first, and only, book came out a long, long time ago, and there are authors represented on those shelves who write what I write, and are good, but of course I think I am as good, or I wouldn’t bother writing. And I got super-envious that they were pubbed, and I am currently not.
That makes me feel like a lesser person, honestly. I am ashamed, and normally I accept that I can be a snarkster of the highest order, poking fun at people I like to judge. But this is something that is dangerously not nice, and I like to feel that I am, at heart, a nice person (I dubbed myself the oxymoronic Nice Bitch in talking to the Alpha Sparkle Dog the other day).
So what do I have to do to get over myself?
Write something that will sell. Be patient with those things that are out there that have not yet been completely measured and judged. Be supportive of all of us authors, even though my heart kerclumps when I hear someone else got another contract. Because, hopefully, someday I’ll be that pubbed person, and I wouldn’t want anyone to be mad at ME when they’re in Target (unless I snagged the last 12-pack of Coke Zero, $2.75, thanks very much).
Megan
*In high school, six of my friends and I went to a Halloween party dressed as the Seven Deadly Sins. I was Envy; oddly enough, no-one wanted to be Sloth.
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March 12th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Oh, oh, oh, is writer’s envy not the worst? Mine takes a slightly different form but OH! I, too, hate when I have it. Good for you to speak out about it. odd nobody much talks about it.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I think envy is hard to admit because it’s more about ‘you’ than anyone else. It’s natural to feel it but it’s much healthier to look it in the eye, accept that it’s there and then tell it to bugger off
It’s when you sink into it and let it rule you that’s it’s dangerous.
But you clearly looked it in the eye and gave it the finger
I can’t watch Oprah’s ‘Favourite Things’ show because I only feel envy and I know it’s wrong. I wonder why those people in the audience get all the neat stuff while I’m getting nothing. Not proud of it but I acknowledged it and decided to turn the show off. Another show I can’t seem to cope with is that Ty Pennington show where they help a family and re-build a house. I think it’s way too extravagant when the people would be just as happy to have a clean new home but instead they build them a behemoth that I can’t afford to live in. Again, not proud.
CindyS
March 12th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Oh envy is such a hard thing. You feel so wrong feeling it but you just can’t help it. You know I know your pain. I only call you with about 1/10 of my gripes. The rest I just grind my teeth on, count to 1000 or think of cloud bunnies.
What else can you do? Just keep working and hope for your turn. I guess. Way to mess up a perfectly good trip to Target.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Carolyn Jean–yeah, I think people don’t talk about it because they don’t want to admit–to themselves or others–that they’re not as “good” in some way, however “good” is defined.
Thanks, CindyS; I knew you’d get what I was talking about. And I hate those people who get things, too.
Kwana–I’m glad you do call me. Sharing the pain is good, but WTH are cloud bunnies?!?
March 13th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Envy sure has a great green satin dress in that pic. I think I envy it.
I totally understand–I often covet other authors’ big advances or great covers or whatever, but then I have to tell myself it’s just natural and human and I have to let it go. The only writing I can focus on is my own.
And I would have gone as Sloth. Spending the evening napping sounds fab.