So the past three days I’ve been wiped–absolutely wiped–by crazy sinus pain. Which definitely exacerbates the feeling of ‘huh?’ I’ve been experiencing, but doesn’t entirely explain it.
But I digress. I’m in the awful ‘why do I even bother?’ phase of writing. That’s really hard, because I can’t imagine not writing, but I’m also not actively writing, at least not very much. It’s not because I am procrastinating, or lazy (although that charge could be legitimately levied at times), it’s because life otherwise is so busy. But, given that so many other writers handle way more than I do and still produce, perhaps I am lazy? Or bad at time management?
My son is in school from 8:40 until 3:00. That gives me six hours of Son-Free Time. But during this S-F T, I do my freelance work, which takes about three hours. I also handle all the household stuff, go to the gym (usually–today I forgot my stuff, which was fine, because I feel awful anyway), do grocery shopping, errands, etc. Doesn’t leave a lot of time for free-flowing writing. And then, when I can sit down at the computer, I wonder why? Why do I bother? I haven’t gotten much positive affirmation for my writing in the past five years or so, although I have written books. I’ve got a few things out on submission, but I can’t allow myself to be way optimistic, since I have to keep a realistic perspective. So why do I bother?
I would go all woo-woo (Thanks for the verbiage, Picky Vegetarian!) and say it’s because I can’t not write, which is sorta true, but really, would it matter so much if I quit? But then I think about that, and it makes me sick inside. So I flounder along, not writing enough, not producing enough to get myself to the point where I might have a chance for success, and then I beat myself up. Oh, yay.
And then here’s where the Carolyn Jewel example comes in to shame me–Carolyn had early success, then spent a long, long time not being published. And then longer after that not sure she would have a career in writing. But she continued to believe in herself, and did crazy things with time management to make it all work, and now she does have a career, and a good agent, and publishers who believe in her. So why can’t I be as strong as Carolyn? I don’t know.
Anyway. This is a lot longer, and a lot less fun, than my usual posts, so thanks if you made it this far.
Megan
*A Bryan Ferry album, obviously. I like the duality of the image.
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I totally understand your post. You know I do. As to why? I guess because you can’t take the sick alternative of giving up. I’ve thought about the why plenty of times and the giving up but I’m still here. Maybe a fool. Maybe the why will finally stop. For good or bad. Hang in there. Keep going and let’s think of Carolyn. No woo woo though.