This is the Dumbest Thing Ever: A professor at Auburn University is changing Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn to read ’slave’ instead of the n-word that Twain uses.*

Twain wrote in the customary vernacular of his time. And even if he was using the word to shock, or anything like that, it was HIS WRITING, and how he wanted to say it. A classic, even though the professor says that the word causes some readers to be uncomfortable.**

Sure. So what? Or, to put it more bluntly, so fucking what? Why can’t we examine our own discomfort with words rather than substituting words that are honestly not much less offensive? I find this so assbackwards, I can barely speak. Or type. Or whatever.

I abhor censorship, no matter how honorable–or dishonorable, for that matter–the motivation for the censorship is. Fuck that shit. It is wrong.

*I don’t type it out here because I think MY using it here would be inflammatory and also would attract spam and such I’d rather not have to filter.

**So what’s next–making Shylock less stereotypically ‘Jew-y?’ Or maybe translating Zora Neale Hurston’s writing into something more people can comprehend, since she wrote in patois?

Not that list. That list can be summarized like so:

Clive Owen
Richard Armitage
Sean Bean (the younger; like Hans Holbein, only literally younger. Look! I made a medieval art joke!)
Takeshi Kaneshiro

edited to add: Daniel Craig

Now onto the List for today. I’ve been formulating it in my head for a few weeks now, and it surely will not be complete, but I have to get it out of my head and onto here.

The List of People I Hate (they do not deserve boldface, that’s how much I hate them):

1. George Bush
2. Car service drivers
3. Michael Brown (heckuva fucking job, my ass)
4. Jay Leno (for causing Life to be cancelled).
5. Jennifer Aniston
6. People who fling their dog crap into my unlined, empty trash can. You know, don’t you, that I will have to pluck it out and put it into a garbage bag? I don’t care that you used a NYT wrapper, it’s still your dog’s crap.
7. Tom Cruise
8. That horsey-faced conservative chick–Ann Coulter? Yeah, her.
9. Dick Cheney
10. Sarah Palin
11. Cyclists who don’t wear helmets
12. People who have loud arguments on their cell phones on the street.
13. Anyone who smirks ‘bodice ripper’ at me when they find out what I write/read. Fuck you.
14. People who say, ‘well, you couldn’t pay me to live there’ when I say I live in New York City. Nobody asked you to. In fact, bet we’re all glad you don’t.
15. The guys at my gym who preen in the mirror, then smile when they catch you looking at them. I’m just looking at you ’cause you’re so obnoxious, not ’cause you’re hot, dumbass.
16. James Cameron. Just because.
17. Bill Laimbeer (I have a long memory).
18. Isaiah Thomas (long and short memory).
19. Miley Cyrus. Not for any reason but that in every single photo she’s holding up two fingers in a smug peace sign gesture. We get it, Miley, you’re a teenager. On your Lolita-ish way to becoming a twentysomething bimbo. Good on you.
20. Kobe Bryant

Care to share?

Over the weekend, my husband and I went to a party given by a friend of ours, a super-cool lady who works in magazines, plays soccer in a league and calls my husband “Frampy” (together, we are the “Frampies;” so cute!)

We met one of her soccer-playing friends, a big-time lawyer guy working for an international bank. Let me tell you, there was a whole lotta money represented. Anyhoo, it came up that I wrote romance, and that I had come to college in NY (Barnard), but that my dad woulda preferred it if I went to Hampshire.

Hampshire, for those of you not familiar with it, is a very free-form school, offering no grades and housing in round units called ‘donuts.’ My dad was stoked about it, but not me, because I wanted more structure. The guy I told about that seemed surprised, and I told him that my dad would’ve been REALLY excited about me as a daughter if I was a pot-smoking lesbian. I am neither, so he had to make do with my straight, non-marijuana ways.

The guy said I should write that as a story, which made me realize just how–and this is not meant to be pejorative–people are about storytelling. That is not a story; that is an anecdote with a punchline.

And even though I bemoan the fact that I have problems telling a story, I know enough what doesn’t make a good story: That story about me and my college choice.

Many blogs and sites across the web will have insightful, evocative commentary on what today means, and brings, for our country.

Not this one.

My first thought was, “What the hell is Aretha wearing on her head?!?” (which I texted to Kwana, the P-I-C). You saw it too, I don’t need to find a pic of it. Not, however, the worst thing Aretha has ever chosen to wear: Amazing voice, terrible at fashion.

Then I texted my uncle: “Today might almost make dad proud of our country.” To which Jon agreed. And then I cried. And got back here to do some computer work.

So, yeah, things are better, and I’m so relieved we don’t have that bastard as our President anymore I can’t believe it.

Me: “You understand that this is a historic election, right? Before, people would say ‘anyone can become President,’ but really, it was only if you were a white, middle-aged rich man that you had a chance. Now that’s been changed. We’ve come so far.”

Him: “But we’re not far enough–we’re still not there yet, not until we have an African-American woman as President.”

Can you tell that two of these three ladies were actresses?

Tiara Time!

I don’t know what Liz is so perturbed about in the third photo; maybe that I’m such a poor photographer?

Sleepy, historic time.

Stevie Wonder’s “Black Man:”

First man to die
For the flag we now hold high (Crispus Attucks)
Was a black man

The ground where we stand
With the flag held in our hand
Was first the redmans

Guide of a ship
On the first columbus trip (Pedro Alonzo Nino)
Was a brown man

The railroads for trains
Came on tracking that was laid
By the yellow man

We pledge allegiance
All our lives
To the magic colors
Red, blue and white
But we all must be given
The liberty that we defend
For with justice not for all men
History will repeat again
Its time we learned
This world was made for all men

Heart surgery
Was first done successfully
By a black man (Dr Daniel Hale Williams)

Friendly man who died
But helped the pilgrims to survive (Squanto)
Was a redman

Farm workers rights
Were lifted to new heights (Caesar Chavez)
By a brown man

Incandescent light
Was invented to give sight (Thomas Edison)
By the white man

We pledge allegiance
All our lives
To the magic colors
Red, blue and white
But we all must be given
The liberty that we defend
For with justice not for all men
History will repeat again
Its time we learned
This world was made for all men

Here me out…

Now I know the birthday of a nation
Is a time when a country celebrates
But as your hand touches your heart
Remember we all played a part in america
To help that banner wave

First clock to be made
In america was created
By a black man (Benjamin Banneker)

Scout who used no chart
Helped lead lewis and clark
Was a redman (Sacagawea)

Use of martial arts
In our country got its start
By a yellow man

And the leader with a pen
Signed his name to free all men
Was a white man (Abraham Lincoln)

We pledge allegiance
All our lives
To the magic colors
Red, blue and white
But we all must be given
The liberty that we defend
For with justice not for all men
History will repeat again
Its time we learned
This world was made for all men

This world was made for all men
This world was made for all men
This world was made for all men
God saved his world for all men
All people
All babies
All children
All colors
All races
This worlds for you
And me
This world
My world
Your world
Everybodys world
This world
Their world
Our world
This world was made for all men

Here me out…

Who was the first man to set foot on the north pole?
Mattew Henson - a black man

Who was the first american to show the pilgrims at plymouth the secrets
Of survival in the new world?
Squanto - a redman

Who was the soldier of company g who won high honors for his courage
And heroism in world war 1?
Sing Lee - a yellow man

Who was the leader of united farm workers and helped farm workers
Maintain dignity and respect?
Caesar Chavez - a brown man

Who was the founder of blood plasma and the director of the red cross
Blood bank?
Dr. Charles Drew - a black man

Who was the first american heroine who aided the lewis and clark
Expedition?
Sacajewa - a red woman

Who was the famous educator and semanticist who made outstanding
Contributions to education in america?
Hayakawa - a yellow man

Who invented the worlds first stop light and the gas mask?
- a black man

Who was the american surgeon who was one of the founders of
Neurosurgery?
Harvey William Cushing - a white man

Who was the man who helped design the nations capitol, made the first
Clock to give time in america and wrote the first almanac?
Benjamin Banneker - a black man

Who was the legendary hero who helped establish the league of iroquois?
Hiawatha - a redman

Who was the leader of the first microbiotic center in america?
- a yellow man

Who was the founder of the city of chicago in 1772?
Jean Baptiste - a black man

Who was one of the organizers of the american indian movement?
Denis Banks - a redman

Who was the jewish financier who raised founds to sponsor cristopher
Columbus voyage to america?
Lewis D. Santangol - a white man

Who was the woman who led countless slaves to freedom on the
Underground rairoad?
Harriet Tubman - a black woman

Today, I met a Black Republican. In PARK SLOPE, Brooklyn. Where even I’m embarrassed to be a liberal; the liberals here can often be those whinging, totally PC, stick-up-butts types who rail against close-mindededness even while being as close-minded as any neo-conservative you might meet. God, sometimes I hate people.

He, however, was very friendly.

Tonight, wouldn’t it be cool if Obama said to McCain:

“Glad you could make it.”

Yeah, yeah, finally posted at the Riskies. Your debate drinking game ideas welcome.